A Torn Book

Sometimes I wake up crying,
After having a bad dream,
I sit up in my bed,
And begin to think,
Quickly the frustration,
The sadness,
 Everything,
Hits me like a blow,
You would not believe,
Shuttering I remember,
The tears are why I sleep,

Because I am not living,
I am just here,
Not empty inside,
As you read this with fake tears,
But filled with regret,
With grief,
For something lost,
I am not even sure what it was,
But now it is not.

Sometimes I feel like I am crazy,
Running a game that only you can play,
Always thinking
Never resting,
But never getting anywhere.
I have no map,
No direction,
I feel like I am just floating here.

I gave you my Heart
Everything on full,
But only received a a piece of your soul.
You left the rest,
Somewhere behind you,
As you grew up with no one beside you,
You blame your past,
They were all wrong,
As you lie,
To prove your sad song,
I thought I could help you,
I am so tired of the fight,
The only moments of peace are when I am in flight,

As these words of anger,
Flow from my fingers,
Like the senseless madness,
Caused by your hatred,
I still sit here and cry,
Because I lost again,
I lost due to what,
I do not even know,
An invisible wall,
Forbidding and dark
With a castle inside,
That is no longer mine.

Sometimes I feel manipulated,
Controlled by basic Emotions,
Like Empathy, Sympathy, and Understanding,
That you play with like an toy.
I wanted to be the reason you changed,
To help you grow past all your mistakes,
Help you learn to really love,
And Let you know you were not alone,

You live in this world,
You made up as a kid,
That you mold like playdough,
With your stories and lies,
You want a happy ending,
Like a movie or a book,
So you keep tearing out all the pages,
That do not share this look,

I tried my best,
Only to never be enough,
To deserve the half I was missing,
From our love,
Instead I was ripped out,
When I did not follow the story,
Then you tried to repair it,
With new words,
A new plot,
And different ink.

But books can not be repaired,
When all the paper is ripped,
It needs to be rewritten,
Rebound with new glue,
Covered in fresh leather,
Made Anew,
And to truly repair,
Any book,
The story can never change,
It must stay the way it is,
The pages in their place,
Happy endings need sad beginnings,
Or so they say.

Robin L.A. Shaw